On March 8, 2011 I was activated with my agency, Adoption Support Center in Indianapolis. I was naive at first thinking things would go quickly and I would be the one who wouldn't face the roller coaster of adoption. Well needless to say I was wrong :). It was hard to go day after day waiting for the phone to ring. Sometimes I would just keep my distance from it because it made me crazy at times! I faced one of my greatest tests of faith. Did I really trust God to do what was best for me? Did I really think He had my best interests in mind? Did I really want His will to be done above mine? I went from March to November without even a nibble. At that time I had a very slight lead that lasted only about a week. It was really hard when it didn't work - again an opportunity to trust that if it was truly God's will for me to adopt a baby He would make a way.
On December 1st I received a lead through my agency. I actually met with the birth mom and birth father a week later and it went really well. Then after waiting and waiting to hear if they had chosen me (it was between me another family), they fell off the radar and didn't recontact the agency. During the wait I was getting more and more frustrated and angry. By God's grace He helped me through some really difficult and dark days and moments. When I was finally notified January 9 that the lead was lost, I was amazingly at peace. I know that peace could have only come from God. After pondering whether or not I should continue to wait, I began the process of renewing my home study and settled in to resume the wait - not knowing how long it would be.
Well, unbeknownst to me the wait would be shorter than I knew. On January 18, 2012 I received two leads on the same day! The first baby was due February 29 and the second was March 13. The second was a backup in case the first mom decided not to place.I was so surprised and excited - but yet apprehensive, knowing it could just as quickly not happen. January 18 to February 29 continued the roller coaster at a more intense level. I was excited one second and scared out of my mind the next. The first mom cancelled several appointments for me to meet her. This made me worried what her intentions were but we continued on. What a blessing to have a "back-up" plan with a second mom, just in case this one didn't work.
February 29 came and we still hadn't heard anything. I contacted our social worker, Amanda to find out if she had heard anything. She said the birth mom had texted her and said she wanted to meet with her the next day. I was so concerned about what they could mean. Then the birth mom didn't call Amanda back the next to set up an appointment. Ugh! I started to write the lead off and focus on the second one! That Thursday and Friday were very difficult.
Little did I know that on February 28 at 10:09 a little baby boy had been born. The birth mom, Stephanie, after contacting Amanda initially, decided to take the baby home - thinking she could care for him. On Saturday, March 3, in the evening, Stephanie contacted Amanda by text saying she knew she couldn't provide what the baby needed and what her to contact me to set up the adoption for Monday! Amanda texted me at 10:40 in the evening! I was so excited and got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep :).
Sunday was spent getting ready for the baby - still I was apprehensive that this would fall through, that maybe she would change her mind again. But we continued to prepare. I received a text later in the day to settle details for Monday. I replied asking about whether or not I could change the baby's name to the name I had chosen. She texted me back saying I could change it and then she told me the name that Stephanie had given him - Malachi Andrew. I just about fell over! Malachi is the name I had chosen a whole year earlier as I contemplated what I would name a baby boy! I couldn't believe that we had both chosen the exact same name! I still am in awe of that gift that God gave both Stephanie and I to help reassure us that He was at work.
On Monday, March 5 my sister, Pam and I went to the agency to meet Stephanie, for her to sign the papers revoking her rights and pick up Malachi. We waited two hours for her to show up - more waiting :). Then the moment came - I finally got to meet him. I couldn't believe how tiny he was and that maybe, just maybe I was going to be able to take him home. I had guarded my heart for so long out of fear of hurt.
I will never forget Stephanie's words that day. Amanda was telling Stephanie how proud she was of her for admitting that she couldn't care for Malachi. Then Stephanie said, "I'm doing it for him." She really didn't want to place him, but she knew it would be better for Malachi. Oh what courage and selfless strength that took. After saying her good byes to him, Stephanie wanted to hand Malachi to me. I will always remember the hug we shared as she physically gave him to me. Holding back emotion she sought the assurance that I would keep in touch with her so that she would know how he is doing. I will be forever grateful for her sacrifice and for this precious gift that God has given me. He was in charge all of this time - orchestrating all things to bring Malachi home to me.
My little guy has been showered with love from his first moments home - visitors, messages, phone calls, etc. I am overwhelmed with the magnitude of all that has happened in just the last seven days. I'm still taking it all in. I am so, so in awe and blessed by all that God has done.Why do I doubt? I don't know, but I am thankful that He loves me in my weakness and strengthens me to face the difficult things and enjoy the good.
My son's name is Malachi Andrew David Miller. Andrew is the middle name that Stephanie gave him. David is my dad and brother's middle name. I decided to keep Andrew to honor Stephanie and her incredible gift. God truly moved in her heart to allow me to raise this handsome, sweet boy.
Here are few of my favorite pictures over this first week:
